Just a Little Misty Eyed

I woke up this morning just a little Misty eyed. Tears.  I've shed a lot in my life.  I most certainly have done my fair share of crying since the engagement wasn't the only thing broken in September. Tears of sorrow. Heartache. Grief. Anger. Gratitude.  Yep, I said it, tears of gratitude. To understand that statement, I need to go back in time a little.

'He' and I started dating and I fell hard.  I wasn't alone. He bought my engagement ring a short 4 months after we started dating even though he didn't officially propose for several months after that.  Ironically, he proposed on what was my anniversary with my ex-husband.  He didn't know it, so don't be thinking what a douche.  Me, I took it as a smile from heaven; a sort of redemption of a day that once meant so much and then brought so much hurt.  Now, I jokingly call it diamond day.  Anyway, I digress.  

We started dating and man I was all in, but I wasn't without my own share of trepidation.  In May, I took a trip to my favorite place on the planet and spent 3 days alone with God.  I was fasting, praying, unplugged, hiking, and crying.  Crying out to God to be more exact.   

I recall the prayer like none other.  With each step my barefoot hugged the earth to get 'grounded', my cries went to heaven to really 'ground me'.  'Put us in the fire Lord. Burn out whatever needs to come out of use before we get married.' Not just once, but a cadence of that prayer over and over again.  Surrender.  And boy did He answer. It got hot, and 'we' didn't survive the purification, and the tears; more of them fell than could be captured at Niagara. 

Back to this morning.  I woke and had those all familiar tears in my eyes, but these accompanied a smile. It's so humbling to think of how God answered that prayer and put us in the fire.  It's even more humbling to think of how He was in the fire too.   Not just in that moment, but every single step along the way.  Holding me. Protecting me. Loving me, not just in some pie in the sky tell myself to make me feel better way, but really present. Immanuel. Wrapped up in the skin of others. 

Of course, one expects your nearest and dearest to walk through the deepest valleys with you, and praise God they did/do. But God... He showed up in others like: 

• the friend who took the ring and the wedding dress out of the house until I was ready to deal with it
• the friend who is like a mama to me in so many ways and took pills out of the house to protect me and held me as I fell apart
• the friend who has been more of an acquaintance for so many years since our girls were in school together, but checked/checks on my multiple times a week because she has been there too
• the family member of the now 'ex-finance' who checks in on me to make sure I'm healing and has ever since this happened; cheering me on as a fellow woman and sister in Christ
• the bosses who gave me grace beyond measure
• the coworkers who check on me even the ones from other buildings
• on an on and on.... 

It was the coworkers that brought the tears of this morning. 

This week an email was sent about an encouragement opportunity coming up in our building where we get a secret person to encourage for a while. We filled out bios at the beginning of the year about ourselves that the person would reference to encourage.  I remembered filling mine out.

Mine said I was about to marry the love of my life. It was riddled with 'us' right there in my work bio. Crap.  What if someone got that who didn't know my story and they picked that scab. Cue tears, so I walked down to the office and asked the keeper of the bios... "Will you help me get rid of the Crowder crap from my bio?"  Her words.  We already did.  Two ladies who are precious sisters in Christ in the front office were going through the bios and when they read mine, they took care of me.  Rather, He took care of me through them.  How can I not cry tears of gratitude? 

It's for those tears He died.  

Thank you Jesus for all the love you have shown me in my life.  Not just in this season, but through my entire life.  You promise you are near to the brokenhearted, a water to the fatherless, and will never leave nor forsake me.  You are a keeper of your promises and you never cease to surprise me.  Thank you for the beautiful hands and feet you use in this world to wipe my tears and the tears of others.  Let my hands be your hands.  

Amen

In the beginning....

The ripping of the wrapping paper has given way to the ripping of the calendar to show a new month, a new day, and a new year.  With a new year, people often have resolutions, a word of the year, goals, habit trackers, and new planners.  The churches and gyms are more crowded and for many there is a feeling of change, anticipation, hope that lingers, but not for everyone.

Last year was a quite a year.  I traveled, hiked, watched my daughter graduate, dropped her off at college, celebrated grand babies birthdays, got engaged, and had my heart broken into more pieces than I can ever remember when the engagement and relationship ended.  It was a year full of beginnings and endings. 

This morning, as I was going back to the beginning of the Bible, the first few verses spoke to me with a fresh message.

 "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.  Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. "

Genesis 1:1-2 NIV

I felt drawn to the description of the earth in these verses.  Formless. Empty.  Darkness over the deep.  It feels like the way I have felt a lot the last few months. It feels like what someone would paint if they painted sadness, depression, and grief. It is the picture I see when I think about finding the energy to take a shower, or make my bed, or even brush my teeth.  It's the gloom of thinking it takes too much energy to put on shoes or clothes and go to the store or visit family. An abyss. A black hole. 

 But there is such a beauty there in the same description of the darkness.  The word says, "the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." 

Hovering. What a beautiful word to describe God just waiting to begin His rescue story. Even in the darkness, he was present. God didn't just stay in hover mode though; he spoke and light appeared!

"And God said, Let there be light and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness."

Genesis 1:3 

 This year, if you are starting the year with an ending from last year that leaves you feeling more like the formless, empty, and darkness of the deep, I encourage you, and me, to try to focus on verse 3.  

God speaks into the darkness and brings light and He called it good. Even if the light feels dim, find any you can. If your resolutions begin with brush your teeth every day then amen. Brush those babies and when you are ready add in make your bed. Don't let the new beginning of the year cover you with shame for hurting. Embrace whatever process God uses in your life, but never quit listening for His voice to speak and looking for the light. After all, God didn't create everything in a day, so why act as if the calendar change erases the hurts He is still healing in you.  

May 2023 be a year where you see the Spirit of God.