Of course, the story begins at birth, but we are going to enter onto the Holy Road on August 24, 2106. My precious daughter had been having a hard time straightening her fingers. August 24th was the day her first MRI. The doctor ordered 2 scans, one of her neck and the other of her shoulder. Her little 12 year old body couldn't lay still that long, so she only made it through the one- the one of her neck. The tech informed me they would send off what they had to the doctor and he would determine if he wanted to have her sedated for her additional scan. Friday, August 26, I received a call from the doctor that he wanted to see her first thing on Monday morning. I let her dad know. It just so happened he was coming to town for the weekend to announce his engagement to his girlfriend. Now, many people would say it is common for the new wife and the ex wife to not like one another- that would be a gross understatement for us. We tried over the years, but it was bad. Each of us was operating out of our own pain, but the three of us together brewed poison for our family. (I won't digress down that road, but just know it was incredibly painful and messy and added a layer). Monday morning came and S, her dad and his fiancee, and myself headed to the neurologist. Everything in me knew it wasn't 'good'. Anxiety and fear filled every cell in my body and the tension was palpable.
Dr. Zhang asked me into a separate room, so myself and S's dad made our way next door. I remember longing for comfort from S's dad, not as my partner, but as a co-parent. It didn't come. In fact the opposite came. There would not be a unity among parents so it seemed. The doctor pulled up pictures of S's spine and pointed to a blob. He uttered the words- she has a neoplasm in her cervical spine. Neoplasm, I asked, "What is that?" I knew the answer, but hoped I was not hearing what I thought I was hearing. A neoplasm is a TUMOR. I knew those words couldn't be ignored and I began to hyperventilate and cry. My breath was betryaying me.
I could continue that story, but from the moment I lost my breath on that day, I didn't really breathe again for years. That moment was followed by: a surgery that lasted longer than her labor and delivery, hearing the words malignant, therapy of far too many kinds, continued wounds from the ex and his new person, and the loss of my dear mother- my rock. My breath was gone. Instead there was a shallow gasping in its place.
For the next few years, I hung there on my own cross if you will. Lifting myself up just a little bit to try to get enough air to stay alive, my spirit was pierced with pains so deep and I felt so alone. Sure a few people stuck with me- a couple for sure never left me and kept giving me a sip to keep me alive, but they had lives of their own. The pain, the grief, the sadness, anger, fear, resentment, would NOT die no matter how long passed. In fact, I believe they were beginning to kill me physically.
As time went on, I developed sleep apnea, high blood pressure, TMJ, and got a headache that I have now had for almost 2 years. A pain in my head that almost doubles me over if I cough, sneeze, or laugh, so I do (correction DID) everything I could to NOT cough, sneeze, or laugh. I went to the dentist, ENT, had a CT scan, took medicines, had massages, but NOTHING seemed to help- I was going to work and then coming home and collapsing in pain. Our sweet nurse practioner even did EKG's me more than once because I kept saying I can't get a good breath. I quit going to church for the most part and was angry at 'them' too. I wasn't finding healing there and I needed some healing. Then, one day I made an appointment with an acupuncturist. I had no clue what to expect, but I knew I needed relief and it wasn't coming from ANYWHERE else.
As time went on, I developed sleep apnea, high blood pressure, TMJ, and got a headache that I have now had for almost 2 years. A pain in my head that almost doubles me over if I cough, sneeze, or laugh, so I do (correction DID) everything I could to NOT cough, sneeze, or laugh. I went to the dentist, ENT, had a CT scan, took medicines, had massages, but NOTHING seemed to help- I was going to work and then coming home and collapsing in pain. Our sweet nurse practioner even did EKG's me more than once because I kept saying I can't get a good breath. I quit going to church for the most part and was angry at 'them' too. I wasn't finding healing there and I needed some healing. Then, one day I made an appointment with an acupuncturist. I had no clue what to expect, but I knew I needed relief and it wasn't coming from ANYWHERE else.
When I walked into the acupuncturist's office, I felt God. I knew He was with me in a place where I could meet Him. I couldn't meet Him in my morning Bible study because my mind was so numb. I would sit there with my Bible open and couldn't read a word, or if I did, they were just random strings of letters and sound. There was so little meaning. As for church, God certainly meets others at there, but me I passed on hanging out with Him if church was where I had to go. I've had too much church hurt in my life. When I was there, I felt invisible and alone and I could be that in my pajamas on my couch. SO God, He came to where I would meet Him; where I would surrender, even if for a few moments; an acupuncturist office.
One particular session, the acupuncturist, or as I now call her a healing vessel, targeted my grief. I cried and cried and let out deep pain. I had no control of the tears and couldn't have stopped them if I tried, but the beauty was I didn't need to. God was holding onto me. Wiping my tears. Whispering His love and truth. I could feel it and I could hear it. In another session, I could feel God closer than ever. Renee spoke beautiful words of life to me. She did her thing and needled me based on what I had told her and what I belive God told her as well. One particular needle was in my chest. It was the only time she has ever put one in my there so far. She walked out of the room and gave me my button in case I needed her. I laid there with needles pierced all over my head, heart, hands, legs,ears, and I turned my palms toward God and I prayed. I inhaled and found the voice to say out loud," I am breathing in your lov." Then I exhaled and proclaimed, " I am exhaling hatred and resentment". This was followed by, "I'm breathing in joy and exhaling sadness, despair, and grief, I am breathing in peace and I am exhaling anxiety and fear." I went through all the fruits of the Spirt- inhaling His Spirit and exhaling the pain. She took out the needles and I with gratitude I whispered" I can breathe" My breath had been returned to me.
Since then the breath has been deeper and more healing and cleansing. Each session brought more healing. One was met with some deep emotions that desperately needed healed. She lovingly spent 2 hours being an instrument of God in my life. The prayers were deep and I was even met with violent sickness that evening (there was a stomach bug going around, but it happened to coincide with an extensive session.) All night long as I was sick God and I talked. The conversation wasn't God help me prayer, but a prayer of gratitude for all that He was freeing me from; things He spoke to my Spirit for hours upon end. With each trip back to the bathroom, I thanked God that my body was being rid of unforgiveness, anger, fear, sadness, daddy damage, and so much more. It was holy and sacred. Finally, I fell asleep for a few hours. When I awoke something had shifted deep in my spirit and I knew I was free. I began to weep and thank God for the first time maybe ever I knew I was loved, chosen, worthy, and never alone. The hurts of the world were stripped away and the love of God covered it all.
One particular session, the acupuncturist, or as I now call her a healing vessel, targeted my grief. I cried and cried and let out deep pain. I had no control of the tears and couldn't have stopped them if I tried, but the beauty was I didn't need to. God was holding onto me. Wiping my tears. Whispering His love and truth. I could feel it and I could hear it. In another session, I could feel God closer than ever. Renee spoke beautiful words of life to me. She did her thing and needled me based on what I had told her and what I belive God told her as well. One particular needle was in my chest. It was the only time she has ever put one in my there so far. She walked out of the room and gave me my button in case I needed her. I laid there with needles pierced all over my head, heart, hands, legs,ears, and I turned my palms toward God and I prayed. I inhaled and found the voice to say out loud," I am breathing in your lov." Then I exhaled and proclaimed, " I am exhaling hatred and resentment". This was followed by, "I'm breathing in joy and exhaling sadness, despair, and grief, I am breathing in peace and I am exhaling anxiety and fear." I went through all the fruits of the Spirt- inhaling His Spirit and exhaling the pain. She took out the needles and I with gratitude I whispered" I can breathe" My breath had been returned to me.
Since then the breath has been deeper and more healing and cleansing. Each session brought more healing. One was met with some deep emotions that desperately needed healed. She lovingly spent 2 hours being an instrument of God in my life. The prayers were deep and I was even met with violent sickness that evening (there was a stomach bug going around, but it happened to coincide with an extensive session.) All night long as I was sick God and I talked. The conversation wasn't God help me prayer, but a prayer of gratitude for all that He was freeing me from; things He spoke to my Spirit for hours upon end. With each trip back to the bathroom, I thanked God that my body was being rid of unforgiveness, anger, fear, sadness, daddy damage, and so much more. It was holy and sacred. Finally, I fell asleep for a few hours. When I awoke something had shifted deep in my spirit and I knew I was free. I began to weep and thank God for the first time maybe ever I knew I was loved, chosen, worthy, and never alone. The hurts of the world were stripped away and the love of God covered it all.
Now, that may sound crazy. Label it that way if you need to, but He whispers in my ear- you are beloved and like Jacob wrestled with God, you wrestled with me in your own way, but it the end came surrender and an invitation into the hidden places- really in to the depths, the secret places where nobody has ever been invited- I didn't even go to those places. This is the beauty of the cross and the words pronounced there, " It is FINISHED" It was that last moment, the moment when Jesus declared it finished that life really began To the world, those words can sound echo with defeat like Jesus was saying He couldn't take it any more. The I quit moment! But if you listen with Holy ears, it is the sweet moment of surrender when it is finished- is the door that must be opened for new life. The seed needs to break to grow. Jesus, and we, need(ed) to surrender for the Resurrection Miracle to arrive. The soliders, they pierced His body and water and blood came out. Water. Blood. That's life my friends. That's life.
I want to be very clear about something. Acupuncture IS NOT healing me. God is healing me. He is using acupuncture in my life, but acupuncture IS NOT the Healer. Healing has a name. His name is Jesus- Jehovah- Rapha! The God who Heals. We are healed by HIS stripes. He wipes tears. He speaks life. He is life and He is love. He is the blood and He is the water. He USES all kinds of methods to heal. He speaks healing, he touches. He is not bound my western medicine or religious beliefs. He comes into the life of the wounded and is both the bealing balm and the applier of the healing balm.
One last thing- I keep breathing. You may say, duh! Otherwise you would be dead, but there are other kinds of death than just physical. I'm really breathing-- inhaling His Spirit and exhaling my self and the world. I'm more alert and alive than I can ever remember. I am off a medicine I have been on for well over 10 years- one that I presumed I would be on forever. My brain is clearer, my TMJ is 90% bettrer, my headache is still there, but slowly making inching toward feeling better. But, it is mattering less and less. In fact, I find myself touching my head when it hurts and quoting John Green, " Pain demands to be felt." I'm asking God what it is teaching me. Of course, I'm also asking Him to not let me sneeze so the pain isn't there (and I don't pee my pants lol). Whatever time and whatever path He chooses is fine with me because I can breathe. It is finished and I know the rest of the story....
The tomb is EMPTY. And THAT is the very definition of good.
